“Mr. Head, with these scores that you’re projecting onto the wall, it would appear as though we do a pretty good job at helping the customer.”
“That’s true, Jase, you do. What are your individual scores on the year?”
Thought you’d never ask.
“Ninety-seven percent.” I articulate each of the six syllables.
“Wow, that’s great.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Now let me ask you a question.”
“Okay.” Oh boy.
“What do you think it would take to help you bridge that gap in scores?”
“Excuse me?”
“What do you think it would take to bridge the gap between your scores for individual customer satisfaction and the scores for the customer’s Likeliness To Refer the company.”
“What??”
“Obviously your scores are great. The customers like you. They love you! Now what do you think it would take for them to show that love to the company?”
“Well, in all honesty, I think the scores they give The Company include things that the customer acknowledges are outside my control. Like reception, equipment, pricing.”
“But what if they weren’t?”
This is where shit gets crazy. He bobbles on:
“What if you acknowledged that we have our challenges? What if you educated the customer and helped them understand? What if you set their expectations appropriately in the first place so they would know how cell phones work? Talk about the network. Do you draw a diagram for the customer?”
“A what now?”
“A diagram. Do you draw a diagram for each new customer explaining how cell phones work? Do you explain that terrain, capacity and the age of their building are all contributing to their reception. Back when I was a sales rep, I would sit down with every sale and say ‘Now, Mr. Customer, is it okay if I draw you a diagram to show you how these phones really work?’ They loved that! Do you draw a diagram, bud?”
“Um, no.”
Of course I don’t draw a diagram of invisible cell signal waves magically going from a tower to the cell phone and from the tower to the internet to which it is attached. I also don’t draft a chart of probability explaining how the service I’m selling may not work in all areas and will likely fail the user every other day. I don’t tell brand new customers that, in order to not be disappointed, they should probably assume their service won’t work anywhere! I also don’t draw a fucking stick figure standing in the middle of the street giving you the finger because their phone call just dropped 8 different times while driving down Sunset Blvd between Doheny and Fairfax. You absolute dick.
Inhale. Exhale. No one is going to get what they want here.
“Can you, uh, show me what kind of diagram you have in mind?”
I put him to work to amuse and calm myself as he draws, no joke, stick figures and cell towers on the white board in the classroom. Incredible.
I am sitting in this class, with self-serving people all around me, looking up at this self-serving man. I am surrounded by people who don’t give two shits about anyone outside their own sphere. I look at coworkers from different retail stores all over the city and I look back at the Bobble Head. I feel no pity for him and the situation he and The Company are in. This is who you hired, I think to myself as I take note of a cohort who used to make twice the money it does now. You hired them with the promise there was money to be made. You hired voracious selling machines and you know it. Now you are changing the rules in the middle of the game and you are attempting to teach sales machines to become hospitality specialists. You are training sharks to tap-dance.
After finishing up his lecture on how cell phones work, the Bobble Head turns back to the projector and hits the next slide. A white screen with 5 corporate logos pops up on it. Starbucks, Nordstrom, Disney, Ritz-Carlton and Enterprise Rent-a-Car.
“Take a look at this list and tell me what comes to mind,” he starts.
I don’t want to play this game anymore. I know exactly where this is going. I look down at my training manual and begin doodling. The point he goes on to make is that these companies have the highest marks in customer satisfaction and their employees get paid less than we do. He finishes with, “So, it can’t be about the money. It must be about the attitude. We must change our attitude so that we can become highly-regarded like the rest of these companies.”
I bite my tongue and look at the products these companies are promoting/selling and imagine what these products would do if they were more like cell phones.
1) Starbucks coffee would, 1 time in 6, just fall through the bottom of the cup and scald your genitals.
2) Nordstrom would have to change their “return anything, anytime” policy to only cover the first 30 days with a $40 restocking fee.
3) Disney would have to put an asterisk next to “Happiest”. *nope
4) Enterprise rental cars would come with the disclaimer reading “cars may not drive on all roads--steering wheel not guaranteed to work in all areas.”
5) And who knows, maybe a guest staying at the Ritz-Carlton would get back to their room one day only to find that the door was permanently locked and they were no longer allowed inside. “But, all my stuff was in there!! My life was in there!!”
1) Starbucks coffee would, 1 time in 6, just fall through the bottom of the cup and scald your genitals.
2) Nordstrom would have to change their “return anything, anytime” policy to only cover the first 30 days with a $40 restocking fee.
3) Disney would have to put an asterisk next to “Happiest”. *nope
4) Enterprise rental cars would come with the disclaimer reading “cars may not drive on all roads--steering wheel not guaranteed to work in all areas.”
5) And who knows, maybe a guest staying at the Ritz-Carlton would get back to their room one day only to find that the door was permanently locked and they were no longer allowed inside. “But, all my stuff was in there!! My life was in there!!”
