Cell Phone Etiquette

It shouldn't be up to me and I realize I might be imposing my opinion where it is not wanted, but I have some observations on the subject of cell phone etiquette that I feel strongly about.  Having worked with cell phones during the decade of their Manifest Destiny, I've seen how they change people and how they change lives.  I'm not over-dramatizing that, either.  Times have changed and, to paraphrase Bob Dylan, "Oh shit! They flipped the script!"

I started thinking about this with a list of rules for cell phone etiquette, but then realized that a general guideline with some social examples might sound less didactic.  Either way, and at the risk of receiving countless who-asked-you-anyway's, I'll take a stab at starting the discussion.

The cell phone is the most socially disruptive invention of our lifetime. Sure, there's the internet.  The internet has changed the way we socialize, but where and how are you using the internet most of the time, ehh? The needle has moved and the answer is "mobile."

Other notable innovations that have changed our behavior:
The television--replaced radio as the hub of home entertainment, also changed entertainment, but we still organize most of our social life around it, not through it.
The car--replaced the mule.
The plane--replaced the hot air balloon.
The microwave--replaced...the bigger wave.

But cell phones are running away with our attention and we need to take back a little control.  In the wake of this tidal wave of technology, we have yet to come to an understanding of what is socially acceptable and how we should be using these devices.  The schools of thought are legion and they are loudly expressed all around us, every day.  As a general rule, I maintain that:

You may use your cell phone however you like, but if you are doing so in the presence of other people, you are expressing your preference to be otherwise engaged.

That is it.  Read it again.

Examples:
1) If you are texting(now a verb.  Social change: 1 point) someone "Happy New Years!! xoxo", you are telling those around you that you'd rather be ringing it in with someone else.  You are also pluralizing "year" inappropriately, but that's a different subject.

2) If you have "glow face" at a concert, play or performance in a setting that has its own spotlights that are NOT MEANT TO BE ON YOUR DEAD-EYED FACE, you're telling those on stage, that "there's something better going on down here."
         a) "Glow face" is not flattering, you radioactive zombie.
         b) When you do this, you are begging the rest of the room to look at what an asshole you are.

3) Remember ring tones?  Yeah, stop that.
         "But I customized a song for everybody in my phone!"
          Oh, so you'd rather have a dance party with that person than talk to me? Thanks, byeee!

3b) "Vibrate" and "Silent" are your friends.

Bonus rules(because I can't seem to stop):

4) Make plans and stick to them.  Too much accountability has been lost under the umbrella of “call me when you’re close” or “we’ll figure it out.”  Your word should be stronger than your signal.  Make a date, select a time, keep them both.

5) You do NOT need your phone at dinner.  "But, but!"  Nope!  Shut it.

6)  It is better to excuse yourself from the table or conversation and retreat to the restroom for a voicemail/text message check.  Gentlemen, despite recent attempts at denouncing the art of phone-checking at the urinal, I find this to be totally acceptable.  In fact, this is efficiency at its utmost.  Not only are you respecting those you left at the table, you look significantly less idiotic than when you’re either staring at the wall 12 inches in front of you or down at your own johnson.  Ladies, do your thing.

7)  Lastly, let’s all extend the grace period for a returned phone call to what it once was.  It can be a day.  Yes, I see that you called and left a message.  I'll get to it--that's called good time management.  If it's urgent, I'm sure you'll call again....and text....and post it on my wall.

Cell phones are sold as additional safety measures because that's an effective tactic.  I know, because when the adoption rate was lower, I used fear to get you to buy one.  They were specifically marketed  to make us feel safe.  The byproduct of this is that now we freak out if we don’t hear back from someone within minutes.  “Where were you, I was so scared” should not be the result of a few minutes.  99.9% of the time, no news is good news.  Relax.


One final rule of thumb (call it a hope) to illustrate my point of view.  Wouldn't it be cool if you never saw your friend's phone?  I mean, when does this need to happen?  Maybe yours goes dead and you 'need' to borrow it.  Maybe the discussion has legitimately turned to the purchase of a new device and it's time for show and tell.  Maybe a photo needs to be taken. Your friend pulls out their non-bedazzled mobile computer and you are a little surprised by it.

I think that would be cool.  I think I would like to live with people who master their technology and are not mastered by it.  I think I would like to be with those who say, so loudly with their actions, "you are important to me right now."

TANSTAAFP!

It is also at this time that I am notified that, through phone sales, training and feature attachment rates, I am to be gifted my very own A-phone.  I am cautiously excited as I read the fine print:  Because I am in the top one percent of sales reps to sell the most A-phones along with a superbly high Feature Per Opportunity number with them, I am to be given a company-owned 3rd generation refurbished A-phone for use with my company-owned phone line.  Three years and four models into offering the A-phone and they finally decide to give us some product to try out so that we can speak somewhat intelligently when we're selling them.  My place in the top tier of sales reps has earned me last year’s model...reconditioned...to be returned to The Company upon my leaving it or when I get my next phone.  This gift horse doesn't even have a mouth.

Well, why not?  I guess I should try using this phone I’ve been selling for three years.  The only reason I haven't is because to do so would have meant that I would have had to sign up for my own monthly service plan to use it.  Until now, I would have had to pay some $80 per month plus a couple hundred dollars for the phone if I wanted to use the A-phone.  And even if my coworkers and I had bought one at full price, up until this latest contest victory none of us were permitted to use the A-phones on our company-owned lines.  So it's kind of a big deal even if it shouldn't be.

The e-mail instructions read that I am to contact my direct manager to see about getting the A-phone for company use.  So let's see what my favorite person is up to.  I'm getting used to watching his hands rub his face these days and I can't seem to let another go by without witnessing him squirm.  I walk up to Cock Bombay while he is getting some air on the floor.  He is patrolling the grounds with his Assistants and I see that he is in a somewhat jovial mood.

“Mr. Bombay?”

“Mis-ter Jason.  What’s up, brother?”

“Well, I got this e-mail saying I should see you about getting that refurbished A-phone for use on my company line.  Can I get that from you?”

“Um....well....give me couple of days to figure that out.”

“A couple of days? Here, I printed out the e-mail that says you already have the phone."
I offer the sheet of paper but he does not accept, instead he closes his eyes and repeats,

“I just need couple of days to figure something out.”

“Cock Bombay, are you going to fire me?”

I can't help it.  I have to ask the most obvious question that comes to my mind.

He takes what looks like it is going to be a deep breath, but he figures out what to say before he needs the whole thing.

“Saying goes, Manager doesn’t fire the people, the people fire themselves.”  Then, perhaps mistaking my silent confusion for my wanting to hear more inspirational quips, he continues, “Also, the people don’t quit the job, they quit the boss.”

I take immediate advantage.

“I can't quit you, Cock Bombay.”

The nearby assistant manager turns bright red at the none-too-subtle reference that a guy like Cock Bombay would never catch.  There is no chance he knows any lines from Brokeback Mountain.  C.B. had once admitted to me, proudly, that he has only been to see one movie in the last four years.  He took his kids to see The Chipmunks 2: The Squeakuel...on Christmas Day.

So what is it he has to think about?  How much he's going to fire me?  I guess he's in a little bit of a pickle, given my recent behavior and how I am perceived by the clientele and corporate headquarters.  In the same week I:

1) leave work because I feel like it and a loophole in the rules allows me the opportunity,
2) receive commendation for my positivity in a nation-wide newsletter from the CEO,
3) aggressively taunt my boss,
4) join the top 1% and win the most highly sought after phone in a sales contest.

What do you do with a problem like Mr. Jason?

Thinking about it, it's the kind of duplicity that the Company should be used to by now.  This staff has learned an example from the products we sell daily:
*Employees are not guaranteed to work in all locations.  Years of service may be spotty.  Reception may be cold, infrequent and laced with sarcasm.  Much like cell phones to customers, we are the necessary evil the Company can't live without.  Sorry, Mr. Bombay, you may want to get a new employee right now, but you may have to wait a year before you're eligible to do so.  Any other questions?  Have I resolved your issue today?  Would you recommend me to your friends and family?

He goes into his office, seals the chamber and (I imagine) proceeds to rub holes into a well-worn forehead of frustration.

THE e-mail

It takes three years plus a few days more than it should have, but this launch goes off without incident.  We absolutely kill it.  The backend systems manage to continue working throughout the day and it takes us most of the 14 hours to work through the ample inventory we have.  Somehow, between pre-order day and rescheduled launch day, the system has been fixed to the way it should have been all along.  I am stunned as DOPUS responds with the agility, grace and responsiveness of a top tech company site.

I am so pleasantly surprised that I decide to write an e-mail expressing my elation.  I decide that it is to be, above all, a very positive e-mail.  I will ignore everything that has gone wrong and focus my energies in a more productive, uplifting way.  

“To whomever it is I owe such a great debt of gratitude,” I begin with the enumeration of my feats for the day and how surprised I am that transactions have gone through so seamlessly.  I conclude with my imploring to forward my e-mail to all of those deserving of its appreciation.  I talk about how great a day our store has had and that I am sure someone was put in charge of setting in motion the “magical hamster wheels” responsible for such an incredible day.  We all work open to close, but this time it feels like the blink of an eye.

I am proud of how the e-mail turns out.  It is so inspiring, I feel its spirit is exactly what is needed to infect a company that has grown so negative.  I finish reading the whimsical, positive words and I navigate my mouse to the TO: line and began adding names.  First Cock Bombay, then the Bobble Head, then The Weasel and then, why-the-hell-not, The Bulldog.  Before I can second-guess my instincts, I press “SEND.”  What's the worst that could happen?

The following day, I get an e-mail response from a technical advisor in Atlanta thanking me for taking the time to acknowledge their efforts.  Awesome!  It seems my email has been forwarded across the nation and has been making its way back in a huge way.  In fact, hundreds of e-mails come back to me, thanking me for the thanks.  Amazing how that works.

It is such a relief to be a part of such a positive movement.  I look around at my coworkers wearing their smiles and I realize how much of our souls have been missing from this place.  It has been so long since any of us have felt cause to celebrate.  This is, indeed, a momentous occasion.  Halfway through the day and those hundred e-mails, I get one from the Weasel. He asks me for my photo.  I am informed that I am to be quoted in the CEO’s blog the following month and they want a picture of me for the piece.  Everyone is responding to me about the e-mail.  Everyone but the Bobble Head and Cock Bombay, that is.  There is no response from the house-cleaners who are trying to force me out the door.  Why so silent?  Since I can't send a selfie into the VP for usage in the CEO's blog, I decide to enlist a little help from another smiling party.

I walk up to Cock Bombay.  “Hey, will you take my picture so I can send it to The Weasel?”  His head cocks and his face melts.

“Uh...sure.  Why?”

“Oh, I guess I’m going to be featured in the CEO’s blog next week and he wants my picture.”

“Oh...um....congratulations, brother!”  The words lumber out of his mouth like drunks at closing time, grabbing onto anything they can hold, stumbling passed a newly forced smile.  I see the thought process behind his beady eyes and I instantly know what is happening.  This is the face of a man who has just put in papers to write me up...to fire me.  The lack of response from both he and the Bobble Head to my initial e-mail was my first clue.  Those are the only two who would know about the write-up so far.  Watching his brain bake over this latest news further confirms my suspicions.  And, man-oh-man, is his brain working overtime.  If only there were a script he could follow to use in this scenario.  If only the Union could intervene on this labor violation of overused synapses.  If only Del Taco offered coupons for free help in figuring out this new quandary.

How would he be seen for writing up and firing the hero of the CEO’s blog?  
He tells me to get an assistant manager to take the photo and rushes into his office.  It is too late.  The paperwork is already there. 

Redefine Success

The week goes by and my co-workers put in their time, 14 hours a day at an otherwise empty store.  Contrary to the usual business traffic, there are no customers waiting in line to be helped in the week leading up to our eventual launch. There are no names to read from the list.  We are (not counting my defiantly adhering to a 40-hour week) fully-staffed from open to close and don't have a single A-phone to sell.  No one even bothers coming in to ask questions because they know the other stores will have the phones first and they can't trust The Phone Company to ever get the phones in stock.

The day after I leave early, someone complains to the Union and they show up to picket the store. It is a sorry display of four overweight, cubicle dwellers circling an imaginary point.  Really, there is no point.  More importantly to me, it is the last thing I want.  After my stand against Cock Bombay about the rules of the schedule, he and the Bobble Head can now assume that I have also called the Union to complain.  Someone else must have alerted the Union while continuing to show up for their 14 hour shift, but it sure looks like my lips were all over that whistle.  Again, the Union does more to keep me away from work as their feeble protest leaves me in an awkward position.  Now I’ll have to swing this thing around to save my job again--before I lose it for the last time.

“Bro, the heat is on,” Brooklyn grumbles.  “The heat is really on now.”

“Yeah, this is a mess.”  I pretend to re-organize an accessory shelf.  "I'd rather leave on my own terms."

Brooklyn begins whispering as he sees Cock Bombay breeze by with his phone to his ear.  “They already had it out to replace our whole store as it was.  Now it’s even worse with that stupid Union showing up.  Now, cleaning house will be priority number one following this launch.”
It's true, Bobble Head’s boss's boss, the Bulldog, is top in the West, no doubt eyeing a National promotion.  Stories like our mini revolt should not be distracting him from his third attempt at the same launch.  He should be focused on matters more crucial to the stockholders, customers, fellow executives and technology world.  A four person picket line may not make headline news, but it gets to his desk.  The call goes out and Miguel overhears The Bulldog screaming at Cock Bombay and Bobble Head in the office.  
"What the FUCK is going on down there?  A PICKET LINE?"
Well, when you say it that way, it does sound serious.
"It's only four people and it's ridiculous." Bobble Head chimes in so that Cock Bombay can't be given the opportunity to fail an attempted excuse.  Besides, there's plenty of time to throw him under the bus later.
"I don't care how ridiculous you think it looks.  Clean it up.  We're already in the news for botching this launch, we can't have a labor protest on top of that.  Not this week.  I'm coming down for this launch.  Clean it up!"
Bobble Head swallows, "We've got it figured out.  They'll be gone today and we'll have the problem solved."

When I hear this, I know who the problem is. I am officially the perfect uppity scapegoat for Cock and Bobble to use as an example for getting things under control.  It seems there is no going over their heads to get to someone who will understand.
The Union staffers appear to get tired, or hungry, and call off the circular death march at around noon.  Having done more harm than good, the group disperses to (probably) find a Chipotle.  Cock Bombay laughs into his phone as he finishes another cigarette and phone call.  In his mind, he has won.  He has put down the uprising.  He puffs his chest and swings the door wide as he reenters the store.  Smiling, he looks over at me and nods before a triumphant return to his office.

Finally, the 29th comes around and we get our A-phones.  We are ready to open early, we have a line out the door and all the Executives are present.  Cock Bombay is in a full suit, Bobble Head is looking nicely tailored and The Bulldog is shifting his gaze around the store with a couple of other henchmen looking to be acknowledged. The Bobble Head is also wearing his usual shit-eating grin as he walks up to everyone to give his pep talk.  He approaches me directly.
"Hey, Jase!  How's it going?"
"Oh, it's great.  Glad we finally get to sell some of these phones!"
"That's the spirit."
The breath behind his words oozes "I can't wait to kick your ass out of this store" while his smile lies to my face.  Then he turns to gather everyone into a circle while auditioning for his next role.

“Now let’s be prepared people!  Let’s have our manual orders on stand by.  Let’s have our physical credit card imprint machines ready to go.  We already know that DOPUS is going to go down.  Let’s not be caught off guard.”

Well, that's encouraging.  It is definitely the most earnest thing I’ve ever heard him say.  We take our stations and get ready for the doors to open. I joke around with all of the suits to gauge their responses and see how many of them know I won't be employed next week.  I can't exactly tell if their nervousness stems from faking it with me or a genuine concern about how this launch is going to go.  I let them off the hook and log in to my computer.  
I slip on the Large t-shirt that I have been handed and take note of the interesting design choices. On the front is an odd rainbow-looking...hamburger? that might be trying to look like a...globe? On the back are two words that an overpaid marketing team has finally settles upon as the Company's latest slogan: Redefine Success.

Failure to Launch (Part 3)

“Phone Company Delays Retail Sales of A-phone 4”

Due to underestimating the success of what quickly became the most productive pre-order day in Company history...I stop reading.  We are not launching on the 25th.  The Computer store will be launching on the 25th.  They would start selling online on the 25th.  The Biggest Deal mega-chain and Frequency Hut will be selling the A-phone 4 on the 25th.  We, THE PHONE COMPANY, will begin offering the A-phone 4 to customers online and at our retail locations beginning on the 29th of the month--giving everyone 96 hours to buy their’s from anyone but us.

A thousand times good grief!

I've grown somewhat accustomed to the Company letting me down and I have grown beyond surprise.  But this one hurts.  The Company, with its network-improvements-are-in-the-works-and-we’re-aware-of-the-problem-but-it’s-getting-better schtick has been going on for three years. This time, I am the liar.  This time, my integrity suffers.  I feel violated.  It was a shot to the gut.

I go outside to find Bombay still smoking. “What are we going to do about the hundreds of customers we told to show up first thing on the 25th? We’ve been saying this for over a week but now the story changes two days out?”

He takes a puff as he tries calming me down while making a swooping nod with his neck, preparing to regurgitate.  Exhaling smoke, “customer will read news.  They will know.”

I don’t know which is the more alarming subtext of that statement--that he honestly believes that everyone we told would “hear the news” or that he believes it because he admits that the Company failed on such a colossal level that it actually will be universal news.  

Oh yeah, the word is out about how big a fuck-up this is.  Don’t worry about trying to find the people you misinformed.

“I’m going home,” I informed him. “I feel sick.”

“I can’t stop you if you want to go home, but you will suffer the penalty as outlined in the attendance policy.”

“Okay, I’m going home about 30 minutes early, so that should be about a 1/4 of a point, right?”

“Full point.”

“Why’s that?”

“You are scheduled for another 4 hours.  Until the closing.”

“Oh, I just figured that since this week’s schedule wasn’t posted a week in advance, we were supposed to go by last week’s schedule.”

“Oh really!?” he affects a venomous fake laughter and stomps out his cigarette. “We are gonna talk about the Article 12 now?”

“Well, that is what it says.”

“You want to go, go.”

“How many points am I getting?”

“Schedule was out 48 hours in advance.  You get a full point.”

“The schedule can be changed 48 hours in advance.  It can’t be changed if it’s NEVER OUT.  It needs to be out a week in advance first.  Then you can change it based on unforeseen needs of the business.  And from the looks of it, we won’t be needing anyone for business anytime soon!”

We’re both mad.

“Why would I put out the schedule if I know it is going to change? Make sense? It’s stupid to put out a schedule you know is going to change.”

“That doesn’t change the way the rules are written.  You still need to furnish us with a schedule that gives us a full week’s notice.  After that, if you need to change it based on unforeseen business needs, you can do so.”

He tried this. “You knew A-phone launch was coming, you should know that there would be overtime scheduled.”

“Exactly.” I responded, feeling the anger in my neck rising to my face.  I spell it out for him.  “You can change a schedule--THAT IS POSTED--48 hours in advance due to ‘unforeseen business needs’.  A launch that we ‘knew was coming’ over a month ago is not exactly ‘unforeseen.’

“You want to go, go!”

Gone.

I stick to my guns and follow the previous week’s schedule which, fortuitously, has me off on Saturday.  Management is well aware of what I am doing.  I’m following the rules (granted, as they benefit me)...and clearly painting a larger target on my back.

Failure to Launch (Part 2)

Because of the pending launch day, we are informed that a new schedule will be put out, forcing allowing us to work the 14 hours from 8am to 10pm.  Per union rules, the schedule is supposed to be put out one week in advance, but can be altered as soon as 48 hours in advance to accommodate unforeseen occurrences.  If a schedule is not posted one week in advance, we are to follow the previous week’s posted schedule.  4 days prior to the new week, Cock Bombay still doesn’t have the schedule ready. I haven’t decided which I am going to do yet, given that it is completely within my rights to follow the previous week’s non-grueling overtime schedule, but I figure I’ll probably come in and work the extra hours--it’s not often we get the option.  The schedule finally comes out on the 17th for the week starting on the 20th.  Clearly not the week’s notice we should have been given.

Beyond that, and most absurd, we are all scheduled to work open to close with nothing to do, up until launch on the 25th.  

Brooklyn pulls Cock Bombay aside.

“Hey, Mr. Bombay, I noticed that this schedule has us working all-day, every-day even before the actually launch.”

“Yep, that’s right.”  He knows when he’s being challenged. “I gave you 48 hours notice and staffing is based on needs of the business.”

“But, sir.”  Brooklyn closes his eyes in mini-meditation and slowly motions a palm-down, calm-down with his hands.  The gesture is no doubt for his own good.  “We won’t even have any customers coming in until the 25th.” 

“We are going by the needs of the business.”

“There won’t be any business needs until we get that phone in stock.”  He momentarily forgets before adding, “sir.”

“The schedule is out, the whole market is doing it.  You should be thankful!  Can you imagine what other company offers overtime in a recession?”

That last line I had already overheard on the conference call earlier that day.  Who knows who started it, but it came from the Bobble Head when I heard it uttered through the speaker phone that morning.  Again, a reference to how utterly ungrateful we must be as sales reps.  Also, a defense of a wasteful allocation of resources by The Company.

I work my 14 hours on Monday the 21st, at least 12 of which are spent on my feet.  I am exhausted. I was used to 7.5 hours on my feet, the extra few make a noticeable difference.  My back hurts, my feet hurt.  I am now painfully aware that I  haven’t purchased new work/dress shoes in over three years.  

Most of us are pretty excited about the overtime, don’t get me wrong.  The Company usually makes such a stink over such things.  Tightening the purse strings each year has eventually come down to auditing our time cards.  Two things would stand out glaringly: Unapproved overtime and Untaken Meal Breaks.

Untaken Meal Breaks, or UMBs, are “huge penalties” that the Company is forced to pay its employees if it neglects to give them a lunch break for every five(5) hours worked.  If you work 5 hours without clocking out for lunch, you will see an extra hour of paid time show up on your time card.  Some people were probably taking advantage of this anyway, so the loophole had to be closed.  It was so important that no one show up on that report that I had begun doing my employer the favor of clocking out for lunch before hour 5, continuing with my customer until the transaction was complete, and then clocking back in before actually eating my lunch.  It was easier to work for 6 hours straight than it was to explain why to a guy like Cock Bombay.  

So we are working overtime.  We are diligent in taking two meal breaks throughout the day and we are ready to turn around and come back first thing the next morning.  The whole week is Phone Company week.  No excuses, no exceptions.  

Tuesday morning is more of then same.  No traffic coming to the store but for the random calls and walk-ins begging us to put the phones on hold for them.  Otherwise, we are cleaning the shelves, vacuuming the floors, getting ready for the launch day that usually brings the Executives with it.  

Being the flagship store, you have to prepare for the visits of those who preside over you and the other hundreds of stores in the West.  They might come, they might not.  If you’re Cock Bombay, you must assume they will and encourage your employees to “double make sure to team-tag on all the metrics.”  I'm still not sure what that means.

We “double make sure” that all the accessories are stocked(ready to gouge the first customer who grabs them) and that every acrylic display is dusted.  Friday is just around the corner and we are looking pretty well-stocked on everything except the phones.  Of course, those never show up more than a day in advance so this is no surprise.  They will arrive in two days and be under 24-hour surveillance over night.  

It’s strange how you find news sometimes.  I notice first that Cock Bombay is speaking nervously into his cell phone while chain-smoking out front.  We are all inside redoubling our make-sures and at the same moment Miguel points to a website and suddenly we all go to the same Tech Page blog and see it right there at the top, in embarrassingly large font, that we would not be getting the phones by the 25th:

“Phone Company Delays Retail Sales of A-phone 4”

Failure to Launch (Part 1)

It’s ten days before the release of the fourth A-phone and we are getting ready to take pre-orders.  The Company has learned from its first few launches and wants to make sure we offer this new phone through as many channels as possible.  Pre-orders are for the planners.  We are happy to ensure customers that if they order their phones on the 15th of the month they can expect their phones on the 25th of the month, the same day we are going to launch the phone in stores.  In fact, this is the widest release of any A-phone and all stores are prepared to launch on the 25th.  The Computer Store, the Biggest Deal chain and even the Frequency Hut are all going to carry the A-phone now.  With pre-orders, we are planning on shipping phones directly to the consumer, thereby alleviating the in-store traffic and diversifying our activation power.  Double the business, same customer service.  So far this all makes sense.

The 15th of the month comes around and it’s like launch day has been every other year.  There is a line outside the door prior to business hours and customers are excited to get in and pay whatever the cost for the phone they will curse for the following year..  We are amply staffed, wearing special t-shirts and ready to sell.  We open the doors and let the smiling (for once!) people run through a dozen at a time. We start entering the information and it doesn’t take long until, like each of the three preceding A-phone launch days, the computers begin to freeze.  Our point of sales system (the clunky DOPUS) takes the largest electronic shit on the heads of everyone working and everyone who has been patiently waiting to get in.  At 9:10am PST we know this is going to be a very long day.

Compounding with the East Coast traffic, who got a three hour head start, once the Pacific time zone joins the party, the computers are ready to break it up.  I point on the screen, click the mouse and wait 5-10 minutes for the next screen to do anything. The computers crawl along, allowing each of us maybe 3 or 4 pre-orders(usually a 10 minute transaction now taking 1 hour each) before the works shut down completely at 12:30pm.  At 4:30pm, it is announced that no more pre-orders will be taken.  The mob, following a burst of threats and some reasonable name-calling, eventually disperses.  I don’t know on what grounds, but we are even assured a lawsuit is coming.

Fail.  Again.  Four years in a row.

Capacity has been reached and once the dust finally settles, The Company has pre-ordered a record number of network-sucking, call-dropping smart phones.  The suckers, it seems, are of endless supply.  This time we are counted among them.  Brooklyn was half-right; he and I wouldn’t, but The Company would surely sell a shitload.

Let down by the Company we trusted to eventually get it right, we begin hosting the lonely receiving line of apologies.  What do we say?  

“Sorry, but you can come in on the 25th and still get the phone on the same day that everyone else can get it.”  

“No, unfortunately we can’t hold one for you, even though you’ve been waiting here for 2 hours already.”

“Yes, you’ll probably want to line-up early, again, on the 25th.”

“I’m sure we’ll get a bunch.  The Company probably banked on reserving less than half for pre-order and plenty more for the actual launch day.”  

“Because of all the pre-orders, we probably won’t even be that busy on launch day.”

“Just in case, get here right around opening, at 6am, on the 25th and you’ll get your new phone right away--possibly before those who did pre-order.”

No one is pleased.  The answer is not the one they wanted.  It further reinforces the existing Mutual Pre-Dissatisfaction and still means another trip to the dreaded Phone Store.  It still means there are no guarantees.  Instead of a solid Company response, we are handing out ‘almost positive’s and ‘they’d be crazy not to’s, asking the customer to be satisfied with that result.  I feel awful, but what can we do?  We all just got screwed by the guys who can’t lose.