Accessory to the crime

The Bobble Head beeps onto the conference call, “Okay, who’s here?”

I’m in the Acrylic Cage with Cock Bombay.  I reach back and open the door 4-5 times to waft in some air.  Bombay is eager to chime in, “Los Angeles is on the call, brother!”  Oh, brother.  

“Mr. Bombay,” the Head responds, “who do you have in there with you?” 

“I have Mr. Jason, sir!”  He’s entirely too excited for the circumstances.  This is not a fifty-person conference call for congratulations.  The Company has yet to grasp the “praise publicly, criticize privately” concept.

“Mis-ter Jason”, The Bobble Head starts.  I can hear him leaning back in his chair, clasping his hands behind his head, soaking it up, ready to go. “Do you know why you’re on this call?”

“Yes sir.”

“Why do you think you’re on this call?”

“Because I currently have the lowest amount of accessory sales per opportunity, sir.”

“I’m shocked, Jase.  Shocked.  I don’t even know what to say.” Oh, I doubt that.  “When my number one seller drops to the lowest in accessories, I think the world might be coming to an end!  How can you explain this, Jase?  How does my number one rep in the entire market have the lowest accessory numbers?”

“Per opportunity.”  I respond.

“What’s that?”

“Per opportunity, sir.  If you look at my total accessory dollars on the month, I’m still in the top three at $6000.  I just happened to close a 60-line business deal that did not pick up any accessories.”

“I don’t want excuses, Jase.”  I should know better, there are too many other people on this call.  I won’t win this one.

“I’ll fix it.”

“Don’t be on this call next month!”

“I won’t, sir.” I won’t be anywhere near it.  “I won’t.”

Accessories are the big push.  They have been ever since the cell phone service started degrading severely over the last couple of years.  As the A-phone users have been hogging up the network, each tower’s output has been shrinking.  These data-intensive devices are the double-edged sword.  They are wildly popular and digitally gluttonous.  The Company desperately needs quick cash to build more towers and improve the existing ones.  Since they started subsidizing the A-phone, they’ve been losing even more money with every sale.  It takes half a year to make any profit off a new customer--a full year for A-phone customers.  Sure, they’ll make it back eventually, but they need the money now.  They need cash.  The largest margin of profit comes from accessory sales.  The way they micro-manage that metric is per contract sale.  We are required to sell $80 per upgrade or new activation.  No excuses.   When I close a 60-line business account, I need to miraculously sell $4800.00 in accessories to meet that average.  Under normal business circumstances, you would think that closing a deal of that size would be well-received.  No excuses.

To get you to purchase a $30 car charger, I’m supposed to convince you of the value that you’re getting.  I will speak to the peace of mind you’ll have; you’ll never have to worry about running out of battery while driving ever again.  I will assure you that we will replace this equipment for up to one year under the manufacturer’s warranty (flooding, plagues, swarms of locust and other Acts of God are not covered).  I will insist that you are purchasing a quality product from a quality company and you will feel justified that yours was money well-spent.  Unless, of course, you discover that these car charges cost $1.13 to manufacture and you are therefore the sucker who just paid for the 3000% markup. 

The Company clears straight up cash on the deal.  Every accessory we sell translates into instant funds.  My 60-line business deal will pay off in the long run, but in the short term, it has put The Company in the hole.  I gave out some free phones and some heavily discounted Blackberries to get that sale.  The thousands of dollars that the company will ultimately be profiting on a monthly basis from this deal is not for discussion, it will not be considered.  They’ll make new business lines our focus next month/quarter/year.  This month, it’s priority number one--our accessory dollars per contract opportunity.  This month, fellow sales reps are turning away sales without accessories so they can keep off of conference calls like these.  Coworkers are shedding upgrades and telling the customers who walk in that they can get a better deal online for the phone, but they should probably get the car charger in store, in case they ever need it exchanged.  Those who sell $2000 dollars in accessories at the end of the month with only 20 contracts will be praised ($100 dollars per contract!). I might sell $8000 with 140 contracts and therefore be forced to defend myself and explain whether or not I really want this job.  You do the math.

The Bobble Head finishes up the phone call with the results of a study.  

“They’ve done the research, people.  People who buy more in accessories are less likely to change service providers.  More accessory sales means more retention.  More retention means fewer chargebacks.  Batteries, cases, car chargers and Bluetooth headsets.  When I check the security cameras, I want to see you bringing all these things to the counter with every transaction.  No excuses.  No exceptions.  Even for someone paying their bill.  Offer them accessories, offer them home television services sell them on the value of Family GPS Location services.”  He piles on a few services that, if not sold, will probably end up in a conference call as well--still missing about 20 other “focuses” that we have every month.

Never mind his loss of focus at the end, the important mistake lies in his mis-analyzing the data. The contrived association of people who purchase more accessories being the same people who don’t change providers is an association of convenience.  This is an issue of confusing correlation for causality.  Data is not information and this “research” is only half the story.  People who spend indiscriminately tend to be, by definition, less discriminant.  Those who spend hundreds on accessories probably spend hundreds on their monthly bills.  They probably don’t even see their monthly bills and don’t know that other companies are less expensive.  Those who spend a shitload of money on accessories are probably too lazy to change their services to another company anyway.  Or maybe they realize that the 3 hour phone call to dispute a surprise contract is not worth their time--it's better to suck it up and stay.

Telling underpaid sales reps that the Company needs money will conjure neither compassion nor inspiration. They can't make it that simple, so they don't actually tell us how badly they need the money.  Creating a connection between The Company gaining money and the sales rep keeping money is the only way to meet their desired outcome.  It’s the win/win that highly effective people are supposed to be looking for.  But in this industry, if two sides win, the third side loses.  If I point you to amazon.com for inexpensive accessories, I'm stealing an opportunity that The Company would otherwise have to make money.  But if I aid The Company in taking advantage of you, I am just as guilty as if I were taking your money myself.  Each day, by simply clocking in, I put myself in a position to be an accessory to some kind of wrongdoing.