In the backend

   Brooklyn and I have a secret weapon.

         We have access to a backend computer system that is more powerful than the almost dummy-proof system that our inexperienced coworkers have access to.  Most of what needs to be done can be accomplished in the Direct Operations Personnel User System that everyone has access to.  But DOPUS has its limitations.  Brooklyn and I have a tenured login into a smarter, more powerful system called Tellect.  Tellect is the more nimble backend upon which DOPUS, the graphically pleasing to the idiot eye, is built.  DOPUS is slow, Tellect is fast.  Tellect is smart, DOPUS is dumb.

          With our superior access, we are able to change a customer's billing address, correct a spelling error on their name, run credit checks and transfer billing responsibility from one customer to another.  If the occasion calls for it, we can change a contract length from 24 months to 12 or 0.  We can handle the special cases without having to call into customer service.  In these cases, stores without Tellect access have to call in to Customer Service and spend over an hour explaining the situation, waiting for that rep to consult a supervisor and finally get the process accomplished.  If, for example, someone wants to transfer the billing responsibility of a phone number to another individual--let's say a child has grown and is taking on additional responsibilities--Brooklyn and I can complete the process in 10-15 minutes.  Calling in to customer service takes over an hour.  Easily.  Simply put, we save The Company hours of double-paid time that is the result of a sales rep in the store being on the line with a customer service rep on the phone.  Our fifteen minutes of effort saves over 120 minutes of hourly pay. So it should come as no surprise that The Company does not want us using the system.

      

         "But, wa, wha?" you say???  Exactly.

          Why would a system that allows us faster access and powerful problem-solving capabilities be banned?  Why would something that results in the customer exclaiming, "oh, that was easier than I thought it would be!" be discouraged and discontinued nationwide?  Because, you see, every time we use the backend system, there are no surveys generated to the customer.  And, you see, if we can't generate the surveys, we can never get the JD Power and Associates Award for Customer Satisfaction.  It is important, you must understand, to sacrifice speed and competence in the face of the customer so that they can later rate their experience.  That makes sense, right?  Total stupefying sense, RIGHT???  What good is pleasing the customer if they can't tell us about it?  Surely a customer would not mind waiting an extra hour in the store so long as they are offered the opportunity to give us a perfect score later.  You see why we drink at lunch?

          Because I don't need to exaggerate, I will simply say that, as a store, we are able to assist 25-30 more customers in a day that Brooklyn and I are working because of this system.  The entire store benefits from more sales and happier customers.  I know, it's a terrible business combination, but it feels oddly right to us.  So Cock Bombay needs us and our coworkers use us.  And, shit, we're just happy to feel useful.

          Miguel walks up to Brooklyn with a post-it note and puts it on the side of his screen.  

         "What's this?" Brooklyn asks.

         "Customer account, I just need a feature added."

         "You can do that in DOPUS, though," Brooklyn reinforces.

         "Yeah, but we don't want this customer getting a survey."

         "Gotcha."

          Obviously there are the somewhat deceitful uses of Tellect.  Brooklyn and I are the sometimes curators of crazy in this regard.  If we encounter a customer who is 'unfit for surveys', we will assist our coworkers in accomplishing whatever it is they need on the backend.  No surveys are generated and both the employee and Company benefit from avoiding this negative score.  It's against the rules.  Technically it is called "customer avoidance", which is cause for disciplinary action.  But lest you think it ends with us, every time Cock Bombay pulls a customer into his office to air their grievances (in the office where air is lacking), he emerges, pulls one of us aside and says "credit the customer's account $50....and do it in the Tellect.  Make sense?"

         

         Make sense.