2AM
Text Message
From: Cock Bombay
To: ALL
Team, very sad day today. 12 acts, 6 pp, 1 AAL, 18 ups, 32 FPO, 36 APO, 3 INS, 0 RA, 0 FM, 4 DB, 1 PTT, 0 TV
4:30 AM
Text Message
From: Cock Bombay
To: ALL
ANOTHER NEGATIVE -100% SURVEY!! ARE WE HI-LITING??? WE MUST STOP THE BLEEDING! THERE WILL BE A ALL THE HANDS ON MTG THIS FRI 6AM.
And so it goes. Every morning, I wake up to two text messages. The first illustrating how poorly we executed sales the previous day, the second showing how poorly the customers rated us. My daily affirmations are basically "I'm terrible" and "Nobody likes me."
Our sales-related message laments the missed opportunities to up-sell people all day long. These are 12 of the 25-30 things we should be "focusing on" during any particular month or sales cycle. I've attempted clarification of this in the past:
"Mr. Bombay, you know what a focus is, right? It's a single point. One thing. Which of these things are we supposed to be focused on?" I ask, ignoring the etymology of the word and concentrating on its modern usage.
"All of them," he answers without hesitation. Then, incredulous that I would ask for clarification, "we have to extra focus on every single one!"
Not wanting to explore how "extra" redefines "focus"(Cock Bombay's circular reasoning could be Dante's 10th ring of hell), I simply plead my case in the form of a question.
"Do you think it's possible that we get low satisfaction scores because customers get the distinct impression that we are more concerned with sales than we are with helping them? We have to mention TV, Internet, Family Mapping, Insurance, Direct Chirp, Add-A-Line, Messaging, Roadside Assistance, Car Chargers, Cases, Batteries, Bluetooth, Speakers, Tablets and gift cards(seasonally). Do you think the customer might get the impression that we care more about these things than we do about their dropped calls?"
He gives it some thought, rubbing his face from his cheeks, past his temples, to that spot on his forehead where the answers hide. He leans in.
"The customer comes in because they want something and need something. We have the job to discover what the customer need is. When they come in, we have to offer all the things the customer might need."
"Even if they're just coming in to complain about service?" I attempt.
"Exactly! That's the most perfect opportunity. Then we can find out exactly what they need!" He is excited and victorious in his response before providing one more nugget of wisdom. "But we have to ask them, because they might not know."
As though connected by a string, sliding back into his chair stretches a broad smile across his face. For some, this is nowhere close to where this discussion might end. For me, it has to. I decide to leave the confines of his office for more tolerable atmosphere.
I say nothing about the tone of the texts with which we are greeted each morning. I've mentioned it before. The process repeats, defying (proving?) Einsteins's definition of insanity, and we continue to receive the 2am text, the 4:30am text and are frequently asked to attend a 6am meeting.
Surely, this time it will work.
