It just so happens that there are famous people in Los Angeles. If you are here long enough, you will meet all of them. At various moments, these celebrities are found wanting a certain level of attention to their physical appearance and reputation. The range is vast and you quickly learn who is a dick and who is a cool person. Moreover, as you confirm with others around the city, you find a consensus on the verdict. In this day of social media and instant access, you have to be careful who you kick down on your way up. Here's a partial list and a little loose word affiliation with celebrities I've helped over the past decade.
David Spade- Nice. Funny. Maybe a little immature in the way he decided it was okay to sit on the floor in a retail store. But he told me I should be on ESPN, so we're cool.
Queen Latifa- An absolute joy and no stranger to sweat pants.
Don Johnson- Suave. He assured me that I could bend the rules about an unreleased phone and "set one aside for ol' D.J." My brain said 'no', but I think my body left and did it. If a sketch artist were to draw 'winsome,' they should expect to see Sonny Crockett smiling back.
Bruce Willis- Polite, if guarded. Can work a room.
Jeanne Tripplehorn's husband? You know him. He's in that movie Se7en as the guy who is forced to have sex with a prostitute while wearing a knife on his penis? I remember him crying and convulsing in that movie. And Alien: Resurrection? You know the guy I'm talking about?? Yeah, well, he was probably one of the worst human beings I've ever helped. Know your place, dude whose name I still don't know.
Jeanne Tripplehorn- not much better.
Stevie Wonder- Helped with a lot of the accessibility features for the A-phone. Comes to get a new one every launch day.
Andy Richter- Can browse for hours.
Dave Grohl- Very nice.
Rajon Rondo- Saw him twice, punched him zero times.
John Salley- A bit heavy on the self-help and dietary advice.
Lane from Mad Men- Dick.
Jason Statham- Kind, polite, bad-ass.
Vinnie Jones- Pseudo Statham
Amy Poehler- Asked me where Bed, Bath and Beyond was. I think we had a moment.
Ruth Buzzi- Legendary. Shocked I knew who she was.
Common- That's a damn good-looking dude.
Leonardo DiCaprio- Nice enough to come in with friend who had phone troubles.
Lukas Haas- Aforementioned friend of Leo. Both decent guys.
Justin Bieber- You get the sense that it's always a day off inside this guy's head.
Emma Stone- Super cool. And it is no surprise that her assistant is also super cool, as a counter to the Nic Cage Associative Asshole rule. You hire you. It should also be said here that, though I haven't helped William H Macy or Felicity Huffman in person, their assistant is cool as hell and I can therefore safely assume they are as well.
Samuel L Jackson- Not his best day.
Gary Oldman- Gentle Master.
Nia Vardalos and Ian Gomez- Sweet and generous.
Melanie Griffith- I really don't remember. So...not memorable?
Heavy D- Quiet and sweet.
Kate Bosworth- Gorgeous and humble.
Mischa Barton- Stoned...I hope.
Seth Rogen- Lost his phone twice in the same week.
Jonah Hill- Funny.
John Stamos- Said he would play drums in my band for $100,000.
Howard Hesseman(of WKRP!)- Jazz. Top priority was just to make sure I could transfer his Thelonious Monk ringtones. He doesn't know it, but he still owes me a dollar.
Martin Landau- Blackberry devotee. Insatiable curiosity to figure those things out.
My very first brush with any of these started like this:
I read the next name from the list. It's William Hurt.
"How's it going today?"
"It's going fine," he shrugs and does that William Hurt eye wince.
"How can I help you?"
"I'm having (wince) a little trouble (head bob) with my phone." He says 'phone' like it's a forbidden topic.
"Okay, well I can definitely help yo..."
"Not my (pause) phone. My (wince) account." Again, it's taboo.
"Okay, let's take a look. What's the phone number?"
"The what?" Major wincing. This guy's face is always pleasantly pained.
"Your phone number, so I can look up your account."
"Oh, well. I...uh....I don't give out my phone number."
"Okay, well that's just how we look up accounts here."
He inhales between his teeth and looks over his shoulder before reiterating, "I don't give out my phone number because, you see, I'm kind of a famous person."
I search for the joke, but it isn't there.
"Got it. Well, just give me your social security number then and we'll go from there."
He does so.
