It is also at this time that I am notified that, through phone sales, training and feature attachment rates, I am to be gifted my very own A-phone. I am cautiously excited as I read the fine print: Because I am in the top one percent of sales reps to sell the most A-phones along with a superbly high Feature Per Opportunity number with them, I am to be given a company-owned 3rd generation refurbished A-phone for use with my company-owned phone line. Three years and four models into offering the A-phone and they finally decide to give us some product to try out so that we can speak somewhat intelligently when we're selling them. My place in the top tier of sales reps has earned me last year’s model...reconditioned...to be returned to The Company upon my leaving it or when I get my next phone. This gift horse doesn't even have a mouth.
Well, why not? I guess I should try using this phone I’ve been selling for three years. The only reason I haven't is because to do so would have meant that I would have had to sign up for my own monthly service plan to use it. Until now, I would have had to pay some $80 per month plus a couple hundred dollars for the phone if I wanted to use the A-phone. And even if my coworkers and I had bought one at full price, up until this latest contest victory none of us were permitted to use the A-phones on our company-owned lines. So it's kind of a big deal even if it shouldn't be.
The e-mail instructions read that I am to contact my direct manager to see about getting the A-phone for company use. So let's see what my favorite person is up to. I'm getting used to watching his hands rub his face these days and I can't seem to let another go by without witnessing him squirm. I walk up to Cock Bombay while he is getting some air on the floor. He is patrolling the grounds with his Assistants and I see that he is in a somewhat jovial mood.
“Mr. Bombay?”
“Mis-ter Jason. What’s up, brother?”
“Well, I got this e-mail saying I should see you about getting that refurbished A-phone for use on my company line. Can I get that from you?”
“Um....well....give me couple of days to figure that out.”
“A couple of days? Here, I printed out the e-mail that says you already have the phone."
I offer the sheet of paper but he does not accept, instead he closes his eyes and repeats,
I offer the sheet of paper but he does not accept, instead he closes his eyes and repeats,
“I just need couple of days to figure something out.”
“Cock Bombay, are you going to fire me?”
I can't help it. I have to ask the most obvious question that comes to my mind.
He takes what looks like it is going to be a deep breath, but he figures out what to say before he needs the whole thing.
“Saying goes, Manager doesn’t fire the people, the people fire themselves.” Then, perhaps mistaking my silent confusion for my wanting to hear more inspirational quips, he continues, “Also, the people don’t quit the job, they quit the boss.”
I take immediate advantage.
“I can't quit you, Cock Bombay.”
The nearby assistant manager turns bright red at the none-too-subtle reference that a guy like Cock Bombay would never catch. There is no chance he knows any lines from Brokeback Mountain. C.B. had once admitted to me, proudly, that he has only been to see one movie in the last four years. He took his kids to see The Chipmunks 2: The Squeakuel...on Christmas Day.
So what is it he has to think about? How much he's going to fire me? I guess he's in a little bit of a pickle, given my recent behavior and how I am perceived by the clientele and corporate headquarters. In the same week I:
2) receive commendation for my positivity in a nation-wide newsletter from the CEO,
3) aggressively taunt my boss,
4) join the top 1% and win the most highly sought after phone in a sales contest.
What do you do with a problem like Mr. Jason?
Thinking about it, it's the kind of duplicity that the Company should be used to by now. This staff has learned an example from the products we sell daily:
*Employees are not guaranteed to work in all locations. Years of service may be spotty. Reception may be cold, infrequent and laced with sarcasm. Much like cell phones to customers, we are the necessary evil the Company can't live without. Sorry, Mr. Bombay, you may want to get a new employee right now, but you may have to wait a year before you're eligible to do so. Any other questions? Have I resolved your issue today? Would you recommend me to your friends and family?
He goes into his office, seals the chamber and (I imagine) proceeds to rub holes into a well-worn forehead of frustration.
