Trim Job

When I started working here, the Cell Phone Industry was enjoying Roaring '20s style opulence.  Sales reps were comparing Rolex watches and hifalutin car payments while "hey, drinks are on me!" was happening all over.  The marketing department was less the image of fiscal responsibility and more that of a glow stick all-night rave.  The Company spent on things that either didn't have proper names or names that had been repurposed.  Lanyard?  Ooh, I'd love a lanyard.  Coozie? I'll use it everyday!  Carabeener clip bottle-opened combo?? I was just THINKING about drunk mountain-climbing!!  
You need tchotchkes?  We got tchotchkes.
 Alas, the once spendthrift days of The Company are far behind us now.  Whereas Lakers' Tickets were once a common reward and free phones practically opened themselves before us, we are now reminded that our paycheck is our reward and that we are lucky to be employed.  As cell phone companies transitioned from regional providers to national carriers, expenses multiplied.  Why would you choose between raising prices and trimming costs when you can do both?  I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing.  But as margins increased, so did the distance between The Company and The Customer.
At one point in history, we were allowed to credit customer accounts $100 per day to satisfy Activation Fee refunds and billing discrepancies.  The Company thought, not entirely inaccurately, that we could employ our sounder judgement and reduce the number of expensive phone calls that go into Customer Service.  Now, we have zero authority.

The customer has never had any patience for "Policy" as an excuse.  To be fair, "Policy" is a shitty excuse, but sometimes it's the only one we have.  The only Policy that is consistent seems to be the one that further pinches the customer every year.  They tell us to disclose these as they come up, but they don't really want us to.  If they did, they would tell us how.  They would tell us what surcharge A and B are on your bill, and where that money goes.  We would warn you that 411 costs $1.99 per call.  Well, some of us do.  But it's a lot to remember.
Test:  You are signing up a new customer.  You make sure to tell them about:
a) Activation fees
b) City taxes
c) surcharges A, B and/or C
d) 911 fee
e) bill proration
f) $40 restocking fee if they return the phone
g) the inability to get another phone for almost 2 years
h) $1.99 calls to 411
i) International calling rates to Canada, China, Japan, Argentina, et al
j) All of the above
k) None of the above

Officially?  J
The other 99.9% of the time?  Yeah, I'm trying to sell a phone here.

If I were in sales elsewhere:
Enterprise:  "Your family will look ridiculous in this Ford Fiesta."
Starbucks:  "I'm selling drugs!!  HAHAHAH!!"
Disneyland: "Hope you're ready for long lines and screaming kids while encountering occasional wafts of peppermint and...vomit?"
Nordstrom: "Your man tits are going to look amazing in that sweater."

Every time a fee is added to your phone bill, we are supposed to tell you.  We are supposed to remind you of the Upgrade Fee.  We are supposed to be able to explain that, while you were offered a "free upgrade", all that means is that you are free to come in and do it.  Seriously, that's how it has been explained to me.  So of course 'nobody told you about the upgrade fee'; we can't explain it, let alone defend it. 

Someone is benefitting from these profits and growing margins, though.  Rewards are given to the Executives who find money and they'll keep going until the last customer leaves. As each VP gets promoted, the replacement must one-up their predecessor.  That's what progress looks like, right?   One year, a new VP decided that The Company would write letters to 2000 customers advising them that we would no longer be able to offer them cell phone service.  The reason?  They were calling in to Customer Service every month and getting credits.  They were costing The Company.  So The Company fired a couple thousand customers.

So yeah, rewards?  Benefits? Perks?  Not for the rest of us.  We have to buy our own A-Phone at full price($600+).  Or we can open up our own $100/month service for the privilege of using it on the same 2-year contract that any customer can get.  It's no wonder that, for the first three years we offered the phone, we didn't know how to help people with it.  None of us could afford to use it.

Over the past 10 years, The Company has been boiling the frog, trimming the fat and tightening the screw.  In fact, there is only one weekend out of the year that is dedicated to celebrating the top 1% of sales reps.

(For those keeping score at home: that's 1% congratulated .82% of the year(assuming 3 day weekend) for a total of .00821% of YAY!)

But it is one weekend of all-(and I do mean ALL)expenses paid.  One weekend in a great resort with good food, free alcohol, skydiving and golf.  The 1% get this weekend and I can tell you, honestly, it is awesome.  So it's no wonder that we find ourselves distracted, behaving like rats climbing to the top of the barrel, to get to this summit of accomplishment, this weekend The Company has called The Pinnacle.

(cont'd Tuesday)